Parents learn ‘tools’ for dealing with teen dating through USC program
From left are Dr. Teresa Lutka, Jessica Speer and Carisa Reynolds, panelists for “Teen Dating and Mental Health.”
Paul Tedesco moderates the panel discussion.
Parents tend to dread the day when they have to face the reality of their children starting to date.
“There is no handbook for this topic, and that’s why we chose it to try to put a few tools in your toolbox that you can take home,” Paul Tedesco told the audience at the Upper St. Clair Community and Recreation Center. “Because if dating gets messed up in adolescence, it can hang on like a bad virus all through adulthood.
Tedesco is senior director of behavioral health for Familylinks Inc., a Shadyside-based human services provider that joined with the Youth Steering Committee of Upper St. Clair to present the Jan. 11 panel discussion “Teen Dating and Mental Health.”
One of the panelists was Jessica Speer, Familylinks program manager, who spoke about dating violence, which by definition goes beyond physical or sexual aspects to include psychological and emotional abuse by current and former partners, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
“We see it so much – in the movies, television, video games and all the different media sources that we have – that it’s becoming normal,” Speer said about the perception of dating violence. “Kids are starting to do these things because they see it so much.”
She urged parents to look for the “big eight” warning signs of unhealthy relationships: intensity, jealousy, control, isolation, criticism, sabotage, blame and anger.
As far as addressing such situations among teens, Speer advised “encouraging them to spend more time with their family and their friends, and staying connected, and also engaging in activities that they typically would enjoy. Letting them know that this is not normal, for your partner to be taking those things that you enjoy away from you.”
Carisa Reynolds, lead clinician for Familylinks Short-Term Enhanced Programming, provided further recommendations with regard to adults talking with youngsters.
“Before you go into the discussion, it’s really important that you prepare for it, especially emotionally,” she said. “You really need to think about, how do you feel about your adolescent starting to date? This way, you can work through those feelings prior to your discussion.”
Once the conversation takes place:
“You’re one of the most influential factors in your child’s moral development, so it’s really important that they understand where your stance is on dating,” Reynolds said. “However, you can’t assume that your child has the same values as you do, or try to force your values on them.”
She stressed the importance of setting boundaries and ensuring they are realistic.
“For example, you have a 17-year-old daughter, and you’re telling her that she has to be home from a date at 8 o’clock on a Friday night,” she said. “She’s probably not going to be OK with that. And she might try to sneak out or do other things that she shouldn’t be doing, in rebellion to that.”
Reynolds recommended a collaborative approach.
“Be willing to listen to their opinion and allow them to be part of the decision-making process,” she advised. “That doesn’t mean you have to take everything into account and give in to everything they want, but at least if they feel like they’ve been listened to, then they’ll feel better about the rules that are set for them.”
Dr. Teresa Lutka, Familylinks lead clinician, recommended elements of cognitive behavioral therapy, a practical approach to problem solving, as a way to help cope with stressful situations, in dating and other facets of life.
“If we understand the principles of this, you can help your teen through certain situations and help them moderate their mood or anxiety,” Lutka said.
She cited the example of a teenager who attempts to contact someone through texting or social media, and becomes upset at the lack of a prompt reply.
“It’s the thought, not the situation,” Lutka said about the stressor. “By changing the thought, they can change the way they feel.”
She suggested approaches to assist teens – or anyone, for that matter – in gaining better perspective about situations.
“You teach them: stop, think. What thoughts are specifically in your head? And then you try to figure out, what are the alternative thoughts? What other ways might you feel once you go through those alternative thoughts?
“By changing the thought,” she said, “they can change the way they feel.”
For more information about Familylinks Inc., visit www.familylinks.org.