Nov 6, 2018 By Harry Funk 4 min read

Kids will take some creative measures to avoid piano lessons.

Well, I did. And the measures tended more toward the moronic than creative.

One summer afternoon, for example, a few of my friends convinced me to hang out with them instead of sitting at the piano. My excuse was an injured hand, and I thought that I’d better have evidence to back it up. So my buddies took turns jumping on my hand, and having tons of fun doing so.

The teacher, a gentleman named Roger Williams – no, not the guy who sold millions of copies of “Autumn Leaves” and “Born Free” – wasn’t fooled by my shenanigans. Nor was he enamored of my practice habits, or lack thereof.

In the midst of me butchering a song, I remember him abruptly closing the lesson book, telling me I was wasting his time and my parents’ money, and leaving the premises.

That was good news for goof-off Harry, but not so much for the 50-something me. As huge of a music fan as I’ve grown up to be, continuing to take piano lessons would have served me well in the long run.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Or maybe, it’s never too late.

Fast-forward to 2018 and I’m in Bethel Park, sitting on the bench at the St. Thomas More Church organ, ready for my first lesson since that other Roger Williams released his version of “Theme from ‘Rollerball.'” No, I’m not making that up. And no, it wasn’t a million-seller.

My present-day instructor is Kathy English, a Mt. Lebanon resident with decades of experience as church organist, on St. Thomas More’s magnificent Aeolian-Skinner with voices digitally reproduced by Walker Technical Co.

Whoa!

Our Ivers & Pond piano had just the one row of keys. The Aeolian-Skinner has four. That can be thoroughly confusing, until you learn how playing one or the other or the other or the other produces different sounds with different tones at different volumes, depending on the relative positions of the vast array of stops.

“How do you know what to do?” a thoroughly confused Harry asks Kathy.

“Well, it’s up to you,” she informs me.

OK, then. Let’s keep it simple, for the simplicity that is “Jingle Bells.” I figure out the melody by poking around with my right index finger.

Adding lower-register chords with my left hand isn’t so easy. But being older and – well, older – I persevere and finally make it through, keeping the time perfectly without playing a wrong note.

Yeah, right. And I’m Roger Williams. Either of ’em.

Having not quite mastered “Jingle Bells,” it’s on to “Silent Night,” with the added bonus of me trying to add pedals to the mix. Removing my size-14 shoes helps, but not nearly enough to prevent me from having to my apologies to Franz Gruber and Joseph Mohr.

Next, I attempt to read the sheet music as I attempt to play Michael Joncas’ “On Eagle’s Wings.” Well, I know the mnemonic – try saying that one time fast – device of “every good boy deserves favor,” because it’s the title of a Moody Blues album, so that helps with the reading. Very slightly.

My apologies to you, too, Mr. Joncas.

Then I try “Amazing Grace,” a song I’ve actually performed many times playing the rhythm on guitar. Playing the melody on the organ is another story, and out of frustration, I utter a “dam,” possibly with an “n” tacked on the end.

“That’s not something you want to say in church,” Kathy reminds me.

My apologies to, well, everyone.

Finally, I try a tune I learned way back when: the three-chord progression of Bob Dylan’s “All Along the Watchtower,” which also is probably something I shouldn’t be doing in church.

I will say that when Kathy plays the organ, it sounds terrific. And with a substantial amount of practice, maybe I eventually could get something to sound somewhere approaching half-decent. Maybe.

But I’m afraid that my shot at being a competent keyboardist went out the door decades ago, right along with Roger Williams.

Thanks, goof-off Harry.

Concert at St. Thomas More

Kathy English organizes an annual Advent and Christmas concert at St. Thomas More Church in Bethel Park to benefit Hekima Place, a home for orphaned and vulnerable girls in Kenya. This year’s concert is scheduled for 7:30 p.m. Dec. 8.

For more information, visit www.hekimaplace.org.